Where do we go from here?
Surviving A Breakup In Lockdown

I didn’t expect to be writing this, I didn’t expect 2020 to be so much of a shit-show yet, here we are. The past few months have been some of the hardest I’ve ever had to experience. Loss has come in many different forms, from losing someone incredibly close to our family, being mugged and having my possessions stolen, to most recently going through a breakup. All of this wrapped up in a global pandemic… I, like so many are ready for 2020 to get in the bin!

My life has quite literally been flipped upside down. So whilst in the middle of lockdown 2.0 I’m trying to navigate this new life, a clean slate I wasn’t expecting or prepared for, yet a clean slate nontheless. I’m in a new home in the gorgeous neighborhood of Muswell Hill, I’ve started therapy (more on that later) and I’m back writing after a much needed break.

Lockdown taught me what recovering from a breakup really looks like. Unlike the usual post heartbreak activities, keeping yourself busy and distracted during lockdown is a little bit more difficult. You’re forced with having to face all the pain that goes with the ending of a relationship head on and although it’s not been easy (and I still have a lot of healing to do) it has made me realise a few fundamentals…
Staying busy and keeping yourself distracted aren’t actual coping mechanisms. They’re just there to take your mind off your sadness and to stop you from dwelling on the pain. In other words, all you’re doing is kicking the grief can further and further down the road, until one day you realise you haven’t actually dealt with it at all and all the issues you had come out to play all over again.

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I’ve summed up my breakup with Lloyd into two segments – my heart was broken and then my spirit. When you allow yourself to be vulnerable and trusting of a person, it’s so much easier to be disappointed. I will always show the upmost respect and kindness, regardless of whether or not I get the same back in return. Our relationship – although flawed, is one I will look back on with fondness. It was one I thought would last forever and what I believed to be the love of my life (so far.) I don’t say this in a sad way, I say it as a fact. I was all in. I feel I’ve grown and changed so much over the last few years and although a lot of the good times are currently clouded by negative feelings, I know it’s a partnership I’m happy that happened.

I have a good heart, I know this and my aim for the next few months is to restore my spirit and pick my self-esteem up from the floor. It takes time to rebuild, things happen for a reason and I am in no doubt it was the right decision to call time on our relationship. The work starts with attempting to love again, not someone else – rebounds aren’t my thing but to love myself again. Having lost the majorty of my self worth recently and being left feeling so desposible, it’s going to take everything I have but again ‘I am a good person, I deserve good things’ – a mantra I find myself repeating daily at the moment. I am lucky enough to have the best support network with my friends and family and I know I can hold my head high in the knowledge that I acted with compassion and kindness in the most difficult of situations.

 

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{Photography by – Zoe Griffin}

 

I know a lot of relationships have sadly broken down this year and I’m sure someone reading this is going through the same situation and emotional torture I’m facing right now. Please know that my DM’s on Instagram are always open if you want to chat. Sometimes it’s easier to talk to a stranger/someone who isn’t as invested in your personal situation. I’m not the first nor shall I be the last to go through this, sadly it’s part and parcel of life but as the old adage states – it’s better to have loved and lost than never to have loved at all.

I am confident that in a year or so I’ll be back to my old self. For now though, send me all the self-care tips!
The rest of 2020 is me doing things for me.

K x